Nuts And Chews

THAT CAT CAN ACT

  “JEAN: I should have had you wear double condoms. But if you ever do it again, which as a favor to women everywhere you should not. But if you do, you should be wearing condom on condom. And then wrap it in electrical tape. You should just walk around always, inside a great big…

BEING GAR

Morton Hull: Do you realize that more people will be watching you tonight, than all those who have seen theater plays in the last forty years? Chance the Gardener: Why? — Being There BEING THERE is a brilliant film. If it were remade today it would have to include the binge watching that is currently…

MOTHRA IN 3C

ACT I Lights up on Apartment 3C, NYC. We see GARY and CARYN spring cleaning while OLD CRANKY NEIGHBOR looks on. GARY: [while spring cleaning the apartment] Hey look! I found a giant egg! [creepy music] CARYN: [shocked; looks at GARY] We must give it back to its rightful owner: Mothra! GARY: MOTHRA! [more creepy…

Throw Up Thursday by Gary De Mattei

The past few days I’ve been lost in “Snuggy Land” and, HOORAY, today I’m better! The upside to being physically ill (as opposed to my permanent mental state) is I get to catch up on all of your FB posts. My conclusion whenever I do this is I’ve the most exciting and talented friends in…

FROZEN BORSCHT SALON

  Yesterday I heard a man say something in Russian to his children. I imagine he was referencing the storm we were walking through as compared to winters in his native cheery Siberi-a. Probably went something like, “Why, when I was young we didn’t have clothes, we had to wear the snow to keep us…